We were
supposed to celebrate my Birthday in the Playroom today. With the kids. Part of
me was really looking forward to it. But when I went, I heard She was in the
ICU.
Back in the ICU, She explained the shivers she was continuously getting from the repeated fevers. The nurse explained how there was complete renal failure. She was already undergoing dialysis. She was Not doing well.
When I came back downstairs, inspite of all the kids in the Playroom also wanting a cheerful attention from me, at the back of my mind, She was there. Her smile and then her weak body lying on the ICU bed - the monitors beeping away, with blood spots all over her blanket and tubes everywhere. What was her mother thinking now? And if I had to face her mother again, what words would I have left with me to comfort her This time?
None.
In the Playroom, we sat and decorated the Christmas trees for the ward and I was left wondering what Christmas meant for the little girl lying upstairs. What did any of the festive cheer along with bells and holly leaves hold for her and her family? Inspite of her positive spirit, I was aware of her failing body - and yet I held onto Hope and refused to give up on her.
All my
excitement just kinda went away.
Then
someone told me, "Life goes on. Besides, for one, you can't disappoint so
many. The others are looking forward to the party."
That made sense to me and so I smiled and went back to the celebrations.
That made sense to me and so I smiled and went back to the celebrations.
She
always had a bright smile. One of those that brightens your day.
A tumor in the bone of both her hand and leg. Though the leg had healed, the relapse of the tumor in her hand had led the Doctors to ampute it.
However, when you look at her, you won't realize that a 12 year old underwent so much of pain and trouble.
She will happeely sit with you and watch you work. She'll help the other little kids in the Playroom, teaching them to operate a game on the Computer. Or simply sit with you and help make Christmas cards for all the Departments in the Hospital. Well mannered and soft spoken, she always seemed positive about Life and getting cured.
So I went to meet her in the ICU.
What amazed me was even there, with tubes sticking out from All over her body, with a cotton in her nose to prevent bleeding, with the shivers in her body due to high fever - she smiled and apologized for not being able to attend my Birthday party downstairs.
Last week, when she was starting to feel unwell, I had gone to sit with her for a while near her bed. Her mother had come up to me and expressed her concern for her daughter's health. I yet again reassured the mother which made her finally smile, pat me on my shoulder, laugh and say, "Tumko dekh kar, maan ko shakti milti hain (When I see you, I feel more positive)".
A tumor in the bone of both her hand and leg. Though the leg had healed, the relapse of the tumor in her hand had led the Doctors to ampute it.
However, when you look at her, you won't realize that a 12 year old underwent so much of pain and trouble.
She will happeely sit with you and watch you work. She'll help the other little kids in the Playroom, teaching them to operate a game on the Computer. Or simply sit with you and help make Christmas cards for all the Departments in the Hospital. Well mannered and soft spoken, she always seemed positive about Life and getting cured.
So I went to meet her in the ICU.
What amazed me was even there, with tubes sticking out from All over her body, with a cotton in her nose to prevent bleeding, with the shivers in her body due to high fever - she smiled and apologized for not being able to attend my Birthday party downstairs.
Last week, when she was starting to feel unwell, I had gone to sit with her for a while near her bed. Her mother had come up to me and expressed her concern for her daughter's health. I yet again reassured the mother which made her finally smile, pat me on my shoulder, laugh and say, "Tumko dekh kar, maan ko shakti milti hain (When I see you, I feel more positive)".
Back in the ICU, She explained the shivers she was continuously getting from the repeated fevers. The nurse explained how there was complete renal failure. She was already undergoing dialysis. She was Not doing well.
When I came back downstairs, inspite of all the kids in the Playroom also wanting a cheerful attention from me, at the back of my mind, She was there. Her smile and then her weak body lying on the ICU bed - the monitors beeping away, with blood spots all over her blanket and tubes everywhere. What was her mother thinking now? And if I had to face her mother again, what words would I have left with me to comfort her This time?
None.
In the Playroom, we sat and decorated the Christmas trees for the ward and I was left wondering what Christmas meant for the little girl lying upstairs. What did any of the festive cheer along with bells and holly leaves hold for her and her family? Inspite of her positive spirit, I was aware of her failing body - and yet I held onto Hope and refused to give up on her.
While she
lay upstairs fighting, I went back to tending the other kids in the Playroom -
drowning myself in her squeaky laughter and their fights over who would play
next on the PSP.
Though at the subconscious level I was constantly thinking of her, I did not let it show.
I realized that for her, the other 20 kids need not suffer my anxiety.
Cruel on one hand to push her at the back of my mind when she needed me most, and yet, I had no choice. I stand helpless in this fight.
As my friend says, I am only there to comfort. The rest, is not in my hands.
Life has to go on.
All one can do is stay positive and hold onto that smile.
Though at the subconscious level I was constantly thinking of her, I did not let it show.
I realized that for her, the other 20 kids need not suffer my anxiety.
Cruel on one hand to push her at the back of my mind when she needed me most, and yet, I had no choice. I stand helpless in this fight.
As my friend says, I am only there to comfort. The rest, is not in my hands.
Life has to go on.
All one can do is stay positive and hold onto that smile.
All I can do is that Believe that she will
recover to join us again in the Playroom and Hope that my Belief is not
broken.
Ke sera sera.
What will be, will be.
Ke sera sera.
What will be, will be.
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